So yesterday I read an article stating 16 reasons people hate their IT department. My first response before even reading it was, “I can think of 1000 reasons why IT departments hate everyone else”. Here are 16 of them…
Original article HERE.
Wrong Username/Password. So you’ve called IT and told me that your computer says “Wrong Username or Password”, but you’ve definitely put the right one in. Well let me tell you now sir, that message ONLY appears when you are entering either the wrong username or the wrong password. “But I know it’s correct”. “Have you got Num Lock or Caps Lock on? Or is there a space at the beginning or end of you username?” “No”. “Right, I’ll walk over to you on the other side of the site now”. 10 minutes later and 100 calories lost… “Now sir, you see the area between the last character of your username and the flashing cursor? That’s called a fucking space!!
Hardware Repairs. So you’ve reported an issue with a computer, and it’s now been missing for 2 days? Guess what, I’m not a magician. If the hardware is broken which believe me just like your kettle or fridge at home, computers can break – it needs to be mended. It’s their warranty, so they must fix it. When I phoned HP to tell them the PC isn’t working they wouldn’t fly someone out by helicopter to fix it here and now, they said I have to wait for onsite service or send it off. How dare they not drop everything and come and repair your computer here and now? Don’t worry I will pass on your frustrations of not being able to do your Christmas shopping for another day.
Internet Outage. What?? In this day and age we are expected to operate without the internet for a possible half an hour?? PANIC! Or just complain at me in your IT Department for something that is absolutely out of my control. Bear with me whilst I go and change into my Virgin Media/BT mixed uniform I have and go and fix the problem at our local data exchange, but please remember whilst I’m gone there will be nobody to plug in your mouse when it comes out.
Paper Jam?! Now don’t get me wrong I like a bit of Bob Marley, but jamming isn’t my speciality. All printers are different so there is no ‘engineering technique’ to removing a paper jam, I follow the clear instructions on the screen of the device. Is it that difficult? Remove the panel shown in the picture and look for bits of paper, when you find them – remove them. What’s that, you don’t touch it because it’s hot and has moving parts? Is my skin more acceptable to heat than yours? Would you like me to come and start your car for you at the end of the day, in case the heaters are on?
I can’t connect to my Wi-Fi at home. OK, well it connects to the Wi-Fi at work so it must be an issue with your home network. What’s that? Your phone connects OK so it must be the computer? What do you think I have done, create a specialist script telling the machine not to connect to your home network? Why would I create more work for myself? I don’t want to talk to you anymore than you want to talk to me.
Can you have a look at my toaster please? Sorry? Your random electrical devices at home have stopped working so you’ve brought it into work for me to fix? Oh yes I forgot, I work in IT so I must know how to repair everything with a plug on right? Pop it on the shelf next to Mrs Wainrights electric blanket and I’ll drop everything and get right onto it for you. Whist we’re on the subject would you like me to service your fridge?
Slow logon – stuck applying printer policy. You’ve told me I just have to wait but I’m too impatient. Well I can remove it but then you’ll have no printers, which let’s face it you’ll moan about even more. What’s that? I’m not being helpful telling you to wait? I’m sorry bear with me whilst I take apart the server and feed the hamster a bit more, so he’ll run around faster in his wheel. Or let me redesign & reprogram Microsoft Windows Server, so it fits in with your busy schedule a bit easier.
You’ve banned me installing programs, so I can’t really use my laptop for anything other than work. Yes, yes we have. Did you pay for this laptop? No, you didn’t. So shut up with your moaning next time we tell you that it’s just for work. We paid for it, we can allow you to do or not do whatever we want. As long as you can open the stuff you need for work, then we don’t care. We don’t care about your iTunes, your torrents, or your porn.
I had a small issue and you wiped my whole machine. Yes, yes we did. When you report your pedantic issues we have 2 choices; sit there for hours trying to figure out what the issue is on your machine (wasting your time and ours), or we can wipe it and put it back to how it was when we gave it to you (working). So next time we say “let’s just re-image it” we’re actually saving you and us time. Why would we want to sit at your desk for hours surrounded by horrible pictures of things you find appealing, when we could be on Facebook at our own desks?
Why can’t I bring in my personal laptop, as it’s already setup how I like it. That would be for the same reason bus drivers can’t do their shifts in the family car. We give you a machine that is setup and secure to a standard that we know is necessary. If you connect your virus riddled porn viewer in to our network it will spread viruses, a bit like having unprotected sex with a prostitute – to put it into a manner you may understand. Before you give me all that “mine is faster” crap, maybe it’s because at work you actually use the machine to its potential. Facebook, porn, and Internet Explorer do not use your home machine to its potential – that’s why it seems ‘faster’.
Can we all connect our phones to the WiFi. No. It is a secure WiFi network, and we want to keep it that way. You’re at work, why do you need your phone to have wireless connectivity? The multi-thousand pound wireless solution was brought in to benefit the business and improve productivity, not for you to go on Facebook and poke your girlfriend. If you must use your mobile during work, at least have the common decency to use your 3G. What’s that, you don’t get signal in the building? Tough!
Can you see all email that we send and receive? Yes – if I wanted too. But why do you think I would go through the time consuming process just to see your Tesco Online receipt? I don’t like reading my own emails, why the hell would I want to read yours? I and the others in IT couldn’t care less what you’re sending. “It said it’s been held for review because I swore in it”. Yes, because people like me are really going to read your email because you swore in it… I’ve never touched the review pile. Get a grip! To put it nicely we couldn’t give a fuck what you write!
Why do our internal intranet pages look so old? Because they are. Do you fancy updating them? No I thought not. Let’s face it, no one reads the intranet anyway.
Forgotten password. Was it a long Christmas break? Do you remember your name? Do you remember where you’ve parked your car? What are you stupid? All the questions this ticket raises all point towards you being a complete and utter fucktard. Please wait whilst I open the door for you on the way out, I don’t want you injuring yourself in the process of leaving. Errors such as this are known as ‘id10T’ errors.
Can you help me format my spread sheet and correctly use the Excel Concatenate function? The what now? “You’re IT you must know how all the Excel functions work”. I am an IT Technician, not a data analysis specialist. I don’t use Excel, in fact I can’t stand Excel. “But you fixed it last time”. No I simply ‘Googled’ it, and found the answer you were looking for. “See, I wouldn’t even know what to write in Google”. Well I copy and pasted your question, and found the answer. Call me Superman if you like, most people do.
Home Experts. This is by far the most annoying thing for any IT department. “My husband works in IT and he thinks it’s the flux capacitor”. We don’t care who you think knows their stuff just because they setup your Virgin super hub, or installed Microsoft Office. If you want my help then you’ll settle for my solution, if you don’t like it then leave. It’s these home experts that usually end up causing PICNIC errors. Problem In Chair Not In Computer.