The beloved mayor of Bristol. Voted in by the residents of Bristol themselves, well the 7 that actually voted. I’m not even sure why the people of Bristol voted to have an elected mayor in the first place, the only city other than the capital to have one. When you bring up the topic of our mayor to anyone from outside of Bristol, they always ask the same question – “Which party does he stand for?”. When you reply with “None he’s independent”, you always get the same answer “They’re the worst kind”. Yes they are, because there’s nobody to blame for the wrong decisions he’s bound to make. There’s also no political body that you can turn to when he decides to close one of our busiest streets all day on a Sunday, so drunks can sit in the road on a sofa. ‘Make Sunday’s Special’ by bringing an entire city centre to a stand still, so some drunk hippies can enjoy a fruit cider in the middle of the B4053. Lets inconvenience thousands of city residents so 500 people can have a play in the road, I think I’d enjoy it more if they hosted it without closing it off to traffic. I’d turn up and watch that.
George was a bastard a long time before he became mayor of Bristol though, so god knows how he won the vote. I personally didn’t vote because there wasn’t a ‘forget about a mayor, let’s spend the money on something more worthwhile like a years supply of shoe boxes filled with aids infected heroin needles’. Before anyone blurts out the old crap of “you’re worse for not voting at all”, no I’m not. Don’t blame me for not choosing between them. It’s like someone asking if you want your eggs fried, scrambled or poached. Regardless of the answer it’s still a fucking egg, and I’m still going to regret having it on my plate. George used to be an architect, I’m not even sure if its necessary for me to say any more. I’ve never met an architect that I haven’t wanted to punch in the face, they’re natural knobs. But he’s one of them that’s done it all. He’s been ‘High Sheriff of Bristol’ (whatever that means), ‘President of the Royal Institute of British Architects’, he’s founded charities and presented a TV series. Of course he’s done all of the above wearing Red trousers, the prick.
I completely blame him for Southville becoming the hippy fest it is, for those non-bristolians Southville is a Royston Vasey style suburb of Bristol that is now completely overrun with hippies, architects and people who associate with the above. It is slowly swallowing up North Street, and I give it 5 years before North Street becomes uninhabitable due to an overflow of brown trainers, red trousers and people who have disappeared so far up their own anal passages they’re on missing person’s posters. Continuing in true Royston Vasey style George likes everything to be very local. He owns a bar/restaurant/theatre that mainly stocks beer from his local brewery, bread from his local bakery, and an audience from his local suburb. Next time you’re in one of his establishments remember not to touch the ‘local things’, or if you’re like me you’ll just think “there’s nothing for me here” and not bother in the first place. The most peculiar part is the location of his apartment on top of the Tit Factory. I can imagine he overlooks North Street like some sort of overlord, sniping away at sainsburys employees and tracksuit wearers. He wants to popularise independent establishments, in a bid to fight back at huge chains of supermarkets and pubs. To be honest I’d rather eat in a McDonald’s then contend with the toss pieces that frequent his places. Whilst we’re on the subject of his franchise (he won’t like it called that) why hasn’t anybody sunk the Grain Barge yet?
George is slowly trying to remove motor vehicles from Bristol and replace them with bicycles. If one day bikes are powered by bull shit and narcissism he will be a world record cyclist, until that day he will continue his war on traffic as our mayor. Bizarrely though to combat cars in the city he wants to stop people being able to park anywhere, by introducing a Residents Parking Scheme. I mean that’s not going to cause any more traffic by people looking for spaces now is it? A Residents Parking Scheme is where people who have spent thousands and thousands of pounds on a property, have to pay a yearly fee to park outside of it. Of course this won’t affect George in his penthouse suite above the Twat Factory as he cycles everywhere apparently, but of course the other red light jumping, cycling mongrels in Bristol are on his side. They should enjoy it while they can because once I become mayor, the only cycling permitted will be on the M32 and designated cliff edges. I don’t mind a few cyclists on the road but you’d think they’d remember their manners with me being in a 1 tonne metal box on wheels, and them extremely close to being under it. By far the most frustrating element of his war on cars was the program CCTV Traffic Wardens: Caught on Camera. This is a program showing how horrible the people of Bristol are to the wonderfully, polite, hardworking pieces of shit that walk this earth only to make it a more miserable place for everyone else. It’s aim was to show what traffic wardens put up with, and portray the message that parking illegally is dangerous and can hold up an entire city. I mean at one point an old woman nearly causes Armageddon by parking outside the chip shop at lunch time, at least one person had to cross the road a metre and a half further up than they usually would. She’s fined for parking in a loading bay whilst loading some goods into her car, according to the council these spaces are only for loading huge heavy items that couldn’t possibly be carried any further. They apparently missed that out when writing the ‘Loading Only’ signs. You may be wondering why I’m bringing this up now, mainly because who should show up part way through with his view on traffic? That’s right Mr Ferguson, interviewed in his penthouse suite above the Fudge Factory. I advise you watch the whole program which is available on 4OD, you will then get to meet the absolute arse holes that spend their days watching CCTV waiting for you to park illegally. It’s OK though, because the council definitely don’t do that just for income, it’s definitely for the safety of us all. Next time you’re going to park illegally, think of all the lives you could be putting at risk, or more importantly think about the plebs watching you on camera. Watching this you’ll also meet a ‘chippy’ owner who almost takes a bag of leftovers into the council house for George, but don’t get excited as he bottled it. It is bizarre to see him being heckled even inside the council house though, it really shows his control on things.
George also has some kind of hatred towards extremely successful playing areas for children. Hengrove Park has been a huge success ever since it opened, bringing children together from all of South Bristol. In a moment of ‘Fergy Wisdom’ he decided that the handful of staff required to run the park should fall victim to his budget cuts, and that they were clearly a hindrance on local funding (not at all like the implementation of a Residents Parking Scheme). Thanks to a fantastic group of protesters this idea was quickly wiped off the table, another fantastic fail for Fergy. HERE is a link to the story of their protests, wonderful!
I guess the last thing to touch up on here is the completion of the South Bristol Link Road. For those who don’t understand local news, this is a main road that will link Cater Road roundabout in Bishopsworth with the A370 (Long Ashton Bypass). The pathway for this road has always been kept clear, but it has never been given permission to go ahead. This is being pushed by George but interestingly it would seem not for the reasons you may think. I personally believe this road is necessary and don’t see an issue with it, of course local residents will disagree and that’s their right. George seems keen for this project to get underway, but is it more for the benefit of Royston Vasey? Popular belief is that this road will have quite an effect on traffic in the Ashton area, as a lot of it will no longer need to travel through Ashton. This road will be an Ashton bypass for anybody heading to Bishopsworth, Hartcliffe, Hengrove, Withwood etc. So with that traffic off Winterstoke Road, people like me will no longer avoid Winterstoke Road, meaning we will no longer use North Street. As a driver in Bristol this does make logical sense. So does George have an ulterior motive? To be fair North Street closes every few weeks for random street parties anyway, so we need a decent alternative route.
To summarise, I don’t really like George Ferguson.
I love you almost as much as despise our dear red trouser donned cock of a mayor. Although I’m sure it’s true he has inherited a city with traffic problems, I’m reasonably sure that shutting streets down once a month so parents’ dear little miracle children can experience what the war must have been like by letting them play on the dirty tarmac, won’t actually help. I’m also confident that charging people to park on a street they’ve already paid road tax on so they can park their car, won’t help.I’m also pretty sure that slowing traffic down by 33 percent, won’t help the traffic problem, but I’m no traffic planning expect. George Fuckwitson seems to have fundamentally misunderstood that making something difficult for someone to do without providing an alternative, doesn’t stop them doing it, it just makes them angry when they have to continue doing it. Good to see that George is happy to continue bending over and taking it from the Utility companies who just announce when they plan to rip up a road for 6 months with no regard to any other major works being carried out. I’m so pleased we have a mayor who is prepared to stand up for the commuters and point out that it might be best to delay certain works whilst others grind the city to a halt. Another point that seems to have eluded our rather obtuse mayor is that if you fail at one of your primary mandates (which, in case anyone had forgotten, was ‘Get Bristol Moving’) , pretending that it was part of a strategy to get people cycling and is therefore a success, will only fool the most dim witted of the electorate. I suppose someone should point out the awkward truth which is that most people don’t have the luxury of being able to turn up to work wearing red pissing trousers and a cheap shirt like a paint-by-numbers liberal sixth former politics student. Most of us are required to be well dressed. Some of us even have to carry a lot of documents. Some of us need equipment. There are even some who need to attend meetings that are not within cycling distance. Tell me dear mayor, how in heaven am I supposed to get to these places on a bike whilst looking presentable? The public transport system is a monopoly and, wait for it…..also uses the same congested roads the rest of do. That brings us onto the safety of cycling. Even if it was practical, cycling on a bit of the road that has been painted red, is still a bit of the road. George, I know you said you think we should be inspired but other European countries and try to adjust to cycling and be less reliant on or cars but there is one small problem. We’re not other European countries. We’re a small densely populated island with lots of hills. It’s not a subtle point I’m making and I would imagine even George and his limited grasp of logic could keep up with that.
I could go on but the traffic has finally cleared. Yes, I genuinely wrote all this parked up waiting for to get home
This has been held up in a Spam filter for a long time, and I apologise for that. It’s a great comment and the fact you were able to write it all whilst sat still in traffic proves how ineffective “Get Bristol Moving” really was!
Oh, but he DOES have and use a car…..did you not hear how he recently got a speeding fine for going over 30 in one of HIS brought in 20 mile an hour only zones? you know the ones that cost millions to impliment and mostly do not make any sense where they are, Ha ha….says it all about him surely ”do as say not as I do”.
also…….
1. I suspect he owns off street parking, none of those pescky problems for him.
2. Does any one else think that the tiny size and sneeky hard to see placement of the 20 mile and hour signs may have a lot to do with fining the tax payers that payed for the daft idea, all over again?
3. Does any one else think that when he said recently when asked why the people of Bristol do not like him or his ideas…. ”it’s because I give them what they, and Bristol, need NOT what they want”….that it’s not very democratic and sounds more like a dictator??!!
4. We know MANY different types of people here in Bristol and NOBODY likes him.
5. Do love the Kharma of him getting caught got to be said!! What a massive hypocrite. Sure his millionaire highness did not find finding the fine hard to find unlike many of his voicless subjects though?
(PS we do support low speeds/safe driving in obvious places….may be cyclists should comply too?? I nearly got taken out by one on a crossing yesterday as it did not stop for a red light!)
I must go now, could rant on about him for much, much longer.
In a nutshell ….
Your not the only city. We have one in Liverpool.
Apologies. That was poorly researched!