The beloved mayor of Bristol. Voted in by the residents of Bristol themselves, well the 7 that actually voted. I’m not even sure why the people of Bristol voted to have an elected mayor in the first place, the only city other than the capital to have one. When you bring up the topic of our mayor to anyone from outside of Bristol, they always ask the same question – “Which party does he stand for?”. When you reply with “None he’s independent”, you always get the same answer “They’re the worst kind”. Yes they are, because there’s nobody to blame for the wrong decisions he’s bound to make. There’s also no political body that you can turn to when he decides to close one of our busiest streets all day on a Sunday, so drunks can sit in the road on a sofa. ‘Make Sunday’s Special’ by bringing an entire city centre to a stand still, so some drunk hippies can enjoy a fruit cider in the middle of the B4053. Lets inconvenience thousands of city residents so 500 people can have a play in the road, I think I’d enjoy it more if they hosted it without closing it off to traffic. I’d turn up and watch that.

George was a bastard a long time before he became mayor of Bristol though, so god knows how he won the vote. I personally didn’t vote because there wasn’t a ‘forget about a mayor, let’s spend the money on something more worthwhile like a years supply of shoe boxes filled with aids infected heroin needles’. Before anyone blurts out the old crap of “you’re worse for not voting at all”, no I’m not. Don’t blame me for not choosing between them. It’s like someone asking if you want your eggs fried, scrambled or poached. Regardless of the answer it’s still a fucking egg, and I’m still going to regret having it on my plate. George used to be an architect, I’m not even sure if its necessary for me to say any more. I’ve never met an architect that I haven’t wanted to punch in the face, they’re natural knobs. But he’s one of them that’s done it all. He’s been ‘High Sheriff of Bristol’ (whatever that means), ‘President of the Royal Institute of British Architects’, he’s founded charities and presented a TV series. Of course he’s done all of the above wearing Red trousers, the prick.

I completely blame him for Southville becoming the hippy fest it is, for those non-bristolians Southville is a Royston Vasey style suburb of Bristol that is now completely overrun with hippies, architects and people who associate with the above. It is slowly swallowing up North Street, and I give it 5 years before North Street becomes uninhabitable due to an overflow of brown trainers, red trousers and people who have disappeared so far up their own anal passages they’re on missing person’s posters. Continuing in true Royston Vasey style George likes everything to be very local. He owns a bar/restaurant/theatre that mainly stocks beer from his local brewery, bread from his local bakery, and an audience from his local suburb. Next time you’re in one of his establishments remember not to touch the ‘local things’, or if you’re like me you’ll just think “there’s nothing for me here” and not bother in the first place. The most peculiar part is the location of his apartment on top of the Tit Factory. I can imagine he overlooks North Street like some sort of overlord, sniping away at sainsburys employees and tracksuit wearers. He wants to popularise independent establishments, in a bid to fight back at huge chains of supermarkets and pubs. To be honest I’d rather eat in a McDonald’s then contend with the toss pieces that frequent his places. Whilst we’re on the subject of his franchise (he won’t like it called that) why hasn’t anybody sunk the Grain Barge yet?

George is slowly trying to remove motor vehicles from Bristol and replace them with bicycles. If one day bikes are powered by bull shit and narcissism he will be a world record cyclist, until that day he will continue his war on traffic as our mayor. Bizarrely though to combat cars in the city he wants to stop people being able to park anywhere, by introducing a Residents Parking Scheme. I mean that’s not going to cause any more traffic by people looking for spaces now is it? A Residents Parking Scheme is where people who have spent thousands and thousands of pounds on a property, have to pay a yearly fee to park outside of it. Of course this won’t affect George in his penthouse suite above the Twat Factory as he cycles everywhere apparently, but of course the other red light jumping, cycling mongrels in Bristol are on his side. They should enjoy it while they can because once I become mayor, the only cycling permitted will be on the M32 and designated cliff edges. I don’t mind a few cyclists on the road but you’d think they’d remember their manners with me being in a 1 tonne metal box on wheels, and them extremely close to being under it. By far the most frustrating element of his war on cars was the program CCTV Traffic Wardens: Caught on Camera. This is a program showing how horrible the people of Bristol are to the wonderfully, polite, hardworking pieces of shit that walk this earth only to make it a more miserable place for everyone else. It’s aim was to show what traffic wardens put up with, and portray the message that parking illegally is dangerous and can hold up an entire city. I mean at one point an old woman nearly causes Armageddon by parking outside the chip shop at lunch time, at least one person had to cross the road a metre and a half further up than they usually would. She’s fined for parking in a loading bay whilst loading some goods into her car, according to the council these spaces are only for loading huge heavy items that couldn’t possibly be carried any further. They apparently missed that out when writing the ‘Loading Only’ signs. You may be wondering why I’m bringing this up now, mainly because who should show up part way through with his view on traffic? That’s right Mr Ferguson, interviewed in his penthouse suite above the Fudge Factory. I advise you watch the whole program which is available on 4OD, you will then get to meet the absolute arse holes that spend their days watching CCTV waiting for you to park illegally. It’s OK though, because the council definitely don’t do that just for income, it’s definitely for the safety of us all. Next time you’re going to park illegally, think of all the lives you could be putting at risk, or more importantly think about the plebs watching you on camera. Watching this you’ll also meet a ‘chippy’ owner who almost takes a bag of leftovers into the council house for George, but don’t get excited as he bottled it. It is bizarre to see him being heckled even inside the council house though, it really shows his control on things.

George also has some kind of hatred towards extremely successful playing areas for children. Hengrove Park has been a huge success ever since it opened, bringing children together from all of South Bristol. In a moment of ‘Fergy Wisdom’ he decided that the handful of staff required to run the park should fall victim to his budget cuts, and that they were clearly a hindrance on local funding (not at all like the implementation of a Residents Parking Scheme). Thanks to a fantastic group of protesters this idea was quickly wiped off the table, another fantastic fail for Fergy. HERE is a link to the story of their protests, wonderful!

I guess the last thing to touch up on here is the completion of the South Bristol Link Road. For those who don’t understand local news, this is a main road that will link Cater Road roundabout in Bishopsworth with the A370 (Long Ashton Bypass). The pathway for this road has always been kept clear, but it has never been given permission to go ahead. This is being pushed by George but interestingly it would seem not for the reasons you may think. I personally believe this road is necessary and don’t see an issue with it, of course local residents will disagree and that’s their right. George seems keen for this project to get underway, but is it more for the benefit of Royston Vasey? Popular belief is that this road will have quite an effect on traffic in the Ashton area, as a lot of it will no longer need to travel through Ashton. This road will be an Ashton bypass for anybody heading to Bishopsworth, Hartcliffe, Hengrove, Withwood etc. So with that traffic off Winterstoke Road, people like me will no longer avoid Winterstoke Road, meaning we will no longer use North Street. As a driver in Bristol this does make logical sense. So does George have an ulterior motive? To be fair North Street closes every few weeks for random street parties anyway, so we need a decent alternative route.

To summarise, I don’t really like George Ferguson.

Share →